Grateful - No one

First of all, this letter has three updates from where thoughts came over and many changes did too. A birthday letter from a best friend. 

—First Update 05/06/16—

I often complain about how much I deserve something or someone. I usually am the one that gives advices and receives nothing instead, the one that is always there for them to lie down and get rid of whatever they are concerned about. The one who is there.

The one who never has somebody when is needed. The one who is left behind when they hangout together. The one who is satisfied with everything and never grumbles about anything.

I have been alive for nineteen years that way and I could never figure it out it, what was like to have someone to trust blindly, until I met him. That person who makes me smile when I do not even want to, who is always wondering how do I feel when I look like I am doomed, who gives me his shoulder to cry down all my worries, the one who never allows me being sad, who never allows me to destroy myself but to destroy ourselves. The one who is there for me as I am here for him.

I never knew what it was to have a best friend. Although, I have always said I have a lot of best friends, but the truth is that I had none. I never felt like I could trust them a secret, or at least not truly secrets, just the lame ones, those who were not that important for me. Somebody to drink and get wasted until you throw it all on the sidewalk just because you were sad no matter if they did not want to drink but they did it for you. Not even like I had someone to support me blindly just because they trust me. And I never thought I could deserve someone like him. And could not even imagine how it would feel like to have someone like this.

But now I have one like him. He is the one.

The first time I saw him—I admit it—I felt in love with him, I had this sort of crush. Every time I saw him, I felt plenty of nothing. Is kind of weird to explain but I will try it. Imagine that you are walking down the street and then you let your head up and climb up the clouds with your imagination and you feel like you belong to that gloriousness, to that magnificent place where you have no worries and cares, but then you come back down to reality and notice that nothing of that is reachable and it is too far away from being real. So that I felt, I felt we belong together, in many ways. I felt he was made to meet me and I was made to meet him, but then I noticed he was out of my range. I thought that we did not belong to the same group, he was quite alone and I hang out with the crowd.

The first time I notice him, he was sitting reading a book of one of my favorite authors, I caught that as a sign and tried everything to make him notice me, so I talked to my friends near him about books —even more than usual— and I spent many days reading that author near to him. Just to make him notice me. It was kind of odd but I really wanted to meet him

I see him every day in the transport we take to get back home in the afternoon after a day of class. I waited patiently when I gave up with the author’s stuff. 

I got some troubles in my usual bus stop, so I started to get down the bus on his stop, which is nearer my house. In that way, we kind of create a connection, after all, we shared the same stop. 

I noticed he does not talk to people, he meets everyone, or at least he says hi to many of them, but he does not really speak to them. He is just being nice and polite.

One day we exchanged glances. It was the first day we actually noticed each other consciously… perfect, I was sitting in the front seat of the bus and he was hanging from the front door right in front of me with a crew that usually makes some bubble in and scandals. They made a bad joke and we exchanged glances making fun internally of how miserable they were, that happened like three or four times that night and it was great. From that day on, we started to say hi to each other and more sooner than later, we started to talk to each other, like for real. We talked about trivial things like books, movies, videogames and stuff. Quite common for our ages.

I realized weirdly, I had feelings for him, more feelings than just a friendship, I really liked him. 

I have this power or however you would like to call it. Human eyes are pretty treacherous; through them you can see life and feels. Eyes are portals to many things and we just have to be able to accept those things or not. When I talk with him and see his eyes, I see somebody that has suffer enough and I do not want him to suffer even more; someone that knows what loves means, but not quite much how it feels, knows how bad can be a person just with their talk and is prepared to defend himself when the time comes. Somebody exposed to life and that somehow tries to not be that much exposed so he cannot get hurt. And I fell in love with him, with his kindness, with his fierce, with all of him. I do not even know when that feeling started to grow up, but I certainly know that has changed a lot since we are best friends.

We started to get closer with every day; we shared hugs, kisses on our cheeks and stuff like friends; but close-minded people do not know that two guys can hug and kiss each other without having that love under their sleeves. And that so, brought us a huge internal trouble. He has a girlfriend, of course he is straight no matter if he does not act or look like one, and he loves her, and she loves him, which I love even more because they look too cute together and I am happy for them. At this time, when I clearly knew he had a girlfriend that intense love feelings started to lower frequently, I was still loving him but as a friend, a really good and lovable friend.

Indeed it was a problem, so people in our bus started to gossip around us, complaining about us, and saying under their breaths that he had no dignity because he has a girlfriend and hangs out with a gay boy, and that was no secret, he has a girlfriend and he also has a gay friend but they do not care about context, even they said I was being a man whore, statement I have never denied because I have hanged out with too many people to confirm that fact. Although, they just care about what they see and what they see is disgrace for both of us.

One night, he sent me a picture showing off some parts of his body, with too much skin, and I did not care about it, that was when I still liked him in a fully and lovely way, so I sort of enjoyed that view, but he has a girlfriend and my moral forced me to keep my mind straight —literally— and do not count the eggs before their hatching; but by the time he sent the second picture a few weeks later, I had to act because the gossip and the pressure I felt was no from this world; also, I had the feeling that this was going way too far from my comfort. So that night of the second picture, I intruded my thoughts in the conversation and could not stop taking that opportunity to get the cards on the table. The picture was of his arm with a new sleeve he bought but he showed off too much chest and the position he posed was too gay even for him, so I started with a joke.

—Second Update 16/10/16—

“Are you practicing Drag from now on?” I asked right after he sent the picture.

He laugh and continued the chat with other jokes and stuff but I could not let this chance to slip through my finger so I texted him.

“Nice chest btw looks way better in that angle… and I’ve to ask it sorry… Is it normal from you to tempt gay guys and get’em close to sin while u being compromised? I mean, ain’t like u do this always deliberately or not, and I’m not against it… just askin’…” To rough for my taste but perfect to trigger this once and for all.

“I don’t get it, is it too much? The truth, I just like to create that halo of confidence with people in general but for real… I don’t know, I think I should think clear on what I’m doing, maybe acceptation from people I like is too important for me and sometimes I force it; for real, I’m sorry if I seem to be an … but I’m not like that, I love my girlfriend and I respect what compromise means to me, it is just that with you I feel comfortable like with the brother that I never had and I needed and I don’t know why, maybe the time was perfect and I like to play jokes and create stories, it is just that the fact of having a friend excites me because I hadn’t had one from a long time and it can seems stupid for you but you made me reflexed and even I moaned a little, I  apologize and thank you, I’m sorry.”

In that moment I felt —because of my damn direct message— I was going to lose him, I felt his message as a good bye and I did not want to lose him I just wanted to be clear of what were we and what double intentions were. I could not allow losing him so I took use of my speech, which is one of my best appeals. I could not leave him alone, he needed me —he still does— as much as I need him.

“And now I said that statement, I have something else ‘important’ to tell you… Last Friday, Undress —internal joke— told me to stop getting so close —literally— from you because of your girlfriend and that I can get hurt from it because, in the bus, they started to gossip —which I don’t care at all— and it’ll get into your gf’s ears so we might get in trouble —and I do care of what she might think about it— that’s why I’ve been so ‘cold’ this late days.” 

That wasn’t definitively my best speech, but I had some others good in mind and this was perfect to start so I could show him what I’m concerned about.

“I don’t understand! Why is always the environment that screws it all?! We do nothing! We just act like bros and is as I said because I have confidence on you. My girlfriend trusts on me and I trust on her and I would never take that confidence down, it makes me angry that people talks shit, I would love if everyone gets in their issues instead of getting into others and screw everything; nothing will happen or at least that I will try, and if so that I have to stop creating boundaries and be just like my last fifteen years, so university will be just another gray layer on my ordinary life. I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to be a problem again, and it was no good.” He said after a few more minutes.

Definitely, this was a goodbye and it was terrifying me, I don’t want to lose him, and not even by this way, fucking society! 

“In fact, I don’t care at all the reasons why are u so confident and actually I like that from you, but what Undress told me it literally worried me because I’ve never caused troubles before, not like this one; I perfectly know how you feel and I do have things clear and I don’t care what everybody else thinks, I care ‘bout what you and your gf might think of me ‘cuz u r the ones that could affect me the most, I’m truly sorry if I was to honest with the message but I go straight to the point when I have to, basically, I don’t care how sweet you treat me, I’m just warning you about what could happen.

P.D: Could you please stop saying I’m sorry? Nobody here has to forgive nothing.” So I sent that message and waited for him to understand that I did not wanted this friendship to end, because I cared of him and did not wanted him to be as he said he was before, in loneliness. 

My fear to lose him grew up with minutes, I waited and there was no answer so my worries grew bigger and bigger and I decided to write another argument to convince him to stay. 

“I know exactly how it is the social bubble. “We all need some colors in our lives, and I’m the kinda person who paints another’s” and I can’t avoid it, dude. I can’t stay with my arms crossed if I can do something to help someone. If you feel comfortable being how sweet you are, I don’t find any reason to close yourself. What Undress told me was a guessing, the gossip hasn’t started, yet. And as I told you, I don’t care about everyone else, if ur gf trusts on you, and if a gossip sneaks into her, she won’t care. I know how people look when we hug or get too close, some of ‘em really think we have ‘something’. But as long as we know what actually happens, the others don’t matter…”

Nothing else came to my mind; the only thing I had left was to wait for him to say something and to not give up on our friendship. I was afraid, I even cried because I was losing the first real friend I ever had in life, I was losing more than a friend, I was losing a brother…

After ten minutes or so, my phone vibrated and I desperately read the message it came with. 

“Thank you.” 

Seriously? Even it has a period on it. I enraged. I wrote my feelings to him and he just said ‘thank you’? Hell no this wasn’t going to end like this, I never knew if he was writing another message but I couldn’t stop myself of writing another statement.

“I meant to have this conversation with you face-to-face, but I couldn’t waste this opportunity. And I couldn’t get this subject out of my mind, besides, writing makes it less awkward and more freely when it comes ‘bout expressions… Now we have settled the table, I know that you’d probably not see our bromance as it was, but I’ll still, I’m still seeing the guy in the van that I like even more half of my classmates, the guy who I can have little talks in the day that cheer me up the whole day, the guy why I go to the university to have these moments when I feel complete, the one who I can have a conversation about weirdness and not receiving an odd look from him and not even a bit of rejection. And even tho I don’t show it outside, your jokes are not that bad, and I like the idea of not being the only one who always tries to make others smile, the only one that sees the world as he wants to see it and not like how others want you to.”

I got exhausted of writing, literally, my fingers hurt, but I guessed it was worthy; I’d chop off my whole arm for him. 

So I waited again for an answer and as I expected, it came faster than the others.

“No, if you’d have told me this face-to-face, I’d have been ashamed of succumb to my emotions, you are me, you say and think as I do, thank you, no, I won’t see it the same, you’re right, from now on, it will be better, because I know it’s mutual, thank you again, I needed somebody to spit off all my feels, no matter what, as soon as I see you again tomorrow, I’ll hug you… of course if you agree because now you’re my friend and there is no way to show you how do I feel, how much do I appreciate it, btw retwitt for all your sms, hehe :’)”

For me, that was one of the happiest moments in my life, actually, the few happiest I’ve had, have been with him, funny isn’t it? I’m not a person that shows feels more than a fake smile, to hide everything from people, but with him, I’m not afraid to cry, to laugh, to live. With him, I want to be alive again. 

“On your service, anytime. Now you see why do I think psychology is my passion. Besides, I’m really good with words —if there is a screen between, something that gives me the chance to think first— and you don’t have to ask for permission nor sorry. ;)”.

I am not the kind of hugging person, actually I don’t like hugs at all, and if I hug a person it has to be really special for me, and honestly he has been the only person beside my family that I let hug me. 

“It is for me, because I’m so broken that I can understand everyone and actually, I do. And I know I don’t have to ask but it’s an impulse, you silly. U//u//U G’night, see you tomorrow”.

“Same here, I’m too empathic with who I care. Good night and sweet dreams, Drag! ;)” 

—Last Update 7/12/16—

I did not want to finish this letter before, because it was planned to be delivered to you on your birthday, and so as I expected, many things happened between us, for the best...

Now, I have to be honest, I do not know how to finish the letter, because it does not have a real end, just like us. 

We have grown somehow, we have changed a lot, things around us have changed a lot, you are now single/wandering around by yourself; but we still have each other, I got a boyfriend; but everything is still the same for us, we can still be all the way back to our houses withouth sharing a word and everything will be alright because that's the way we like, the way we love, we do not need words to share our feelings, our friendship is way beyond the normal, it is special, it is ours. 

I always have moral remorse when I cheat my sentimental partnert, but he is the kind of person whom I can share kisses and do not feel guilty about it, because I love him as much as I love my boyfriend. I can say I love my bestfriend as I would love my husband; somehow we are married.

I have never had the feeling I could or would kill for anyone in my life, but then I met him and that feel became bigger, I would do everything for him; he is the kind of person whom I would face my fears for him, he is the kind of person I love every second I share with him.

He is the kind of person I am afraid to lose.

He is the kind of person I love unconditionally.

And I’m grateful of it. 

And I love him.

Happy Birthday, my boy.